You're listening to Ted talks daily where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh.

您正在收听TED Talks Daily，我们每天为您带来激发好奇心的新观点。我是主持人Elise Hugh。

Do you know how to flirt? In this talk, love coach Francesca Hogi invites us to rethink everything we know about flirting. To her, it's not a shallow game or a manipulative tactic, but instead a genuine act of human connection.

你知道如何调情吗？在这次演讲中，爱情教练Francesca Hie邀请我们重新思考我们对调情的所有认知。对她而言，调情不是肤浅的游戏或操纵手段，而是一种真诚的人际连接行为。

Drawing on her decade of experience helping people find love, she reframes flirting as a superpower you can cultivate.

凭借她十年来帮助人们寻找爱情的经验，她将调情重新定义为一种你可以培养的超能力。

How would you feel if I called you a flirt? Flattered, defensive? Insulted perhaps?

如果我称你为"调情高手"，你会有什么感觉？受宠若惊、心存戒备？还是觉得受到侮辱？

Flirting doesn't have the best reputation. Case in point is the outdated dictionary definition of flirting, which is to behave as though attracted or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intent.

调情的名声并不太好。一个恰当的例子是字典中对调情的过时定义：表现出好像被某人吸引或试图吸引某人，但只是为了娱乐而非认真的意图。

Basically, to waste someone's time and toy with their emotions. Well, today I hope to change your mind about flirting, starting with a new definition: Words and actions intended to make another person feel seen, special and acknowledged, all three.

基本上，就是浪费某人的时间并玩弄他们的感情。今天，我希望改变你对调情的看法，从一个新定义开始：旨在让他人感到被看见、特别和被认可的言语和行动，这三点。

For the last twelve plus years, I've been helping people to fall in love and create lasting relationships. First as a matchmaker and for the last decade I've been coaching people to be their own matchmakers.

过去十二年多来，我一直在帮助人们坠入爱河并建立持久的关系。最初是作为一名媒人，而在过去十年中，我一直在指导人们成为自己的媒人。

As a love professional, I can assure you that many dating problems can be solved with flirting. Can't get a date? Flirt more. Always like them more than they like you? Date the ones who flirt back.

作为一名爱情专家，我可以向你保证，许多约会问题都可以通过调情来解决。找不到约会对象？多调情。总是你喜欢对方比对方喜欢你更多？和那些会回应你调情的人约会。

Flirting gives you more agency over human connection. If you're single, it helps you to connect and fall in love. If you're partnered, it helps you to reignite or maintain the spark of chemistry that brought you together in the first place.

调情让你在人际连接中拥有更多主动权。如果你单身，它帮助你建立连接并坠入爱河。如果你已有伴侣，它帮助你重新点燃或维持最初让你们走到一起的化学反应火花。

In other words, flirting is a multipurpose, customizable superpower. In popular culture, we've seen countless depictions of the super confident, sweet talking style of flirting.

换句话说，调情是一种多用途、可定制的超能力。在流行文化中，我们看到过无数关于超级自信、甜言蜜语式调情的描绘。

But in real life, you don't have to be the most confident person in the room to be a good flirt. And if you associate being flirtatious with a pickup artist who comes across as creepy or insincere, to be clear, that is not what I'm advocating.

但在现实生活中，你不必成为房间里最自信的人才能成为一个好的调情者。如果你将调情与那些令人毛骨悚然或不真诚的搭讪艺术家联系在一起，我要明确表示，这不是我所倡导的。

Remember the definition that we're working with, making another person feel seen, special and acknowledged, not objectified, creeped out or potentially unsafe. So please refrain from making comments about a stranger's body parts or demanding that they smile at you, right?

记住我们正在使用的定义：让他人感到被看见、特别和被认可，而不是被物化、感到毛骨悚然或潜在不安全。所以请不要对陌生人的身体部位发表评论或要求他们对你微笑，好吗？

And I've got good news for the introverts out there. You don't have to be extroverted to be a magnet for connection. In fact, I believe that introverts have a secret advantage when it comes to flirting, because your efforts at being more open feel more genuinely inspired by another person and therefore special.

我给内向的人带来了好消息。你不必外向就能成为人际连接的磁石。事实上，我相信内向者在调情方面有一个秘密优势，因为你努力变得更加开放时，会让人感觉是受到对方真诚的启发，因此更加特别。

So if you're nervous about talking to strangers, take a few deep breaths, focus on the other person, and do it anyway. For the record, if I call you a flirt, I mean it as a compliment, especially if I give you the eyebrows or a wink?

所以，如果你对与陌生人交谈感到紧张，深呼吸几次，专注于对方，无论如何都要尝试。郑重声明，如果我称你为调情高手，我是在赞美你，尤其是如果我对你挑眉或眨眼的话？

OK, before I make everyone in the audience more uncomfortable, allow me to explain how and why I've come to be a flirting enthusiast. Since I was a little girl, I've been obsessed with romance, so logically, I grew up to be a corporate lawyer. I know, very romantic.

好吧，在我让听众们更加不舒服之前，请允许我解释我是如何以及为什么成为一名调情爱好者的。从小我就痴迷于浪漫，所以按逻辑来说，我长大后成为了一名公司律师。我知道，非常浪漫。

As a young lawyer eager to live out my romantic dreams, I ran into a problem I hadn't anticipated. I had no idea what I was doing when it came to romance. No one had ever taught me how to date, so I decided to teach myself.

作为一名渴望实现浪漫梦想的年轻律师，我遇到了一个未曾预料的问题。当涉及到浪漫时，我完全不知道自己在做什么。从来没有人教过我如何约会，所以我决定自学。

I went on match.com, prayed that no one I knew saw my profile, and went on as many dates as I could. It went OK at first. I succeeded in getting first dates, but the dates were just okay and they weren't turning into second dates.

我登录了Match.com，祈祷没有我认识的人看到我的个人资料，然后尽可能多地去约会。起初还不错。我成功获得了第一次约会，但约会只是一般般，并没有发展成第二次约会。

I figured that I couldn't be the least dateable person in New York city, but I had to admit that there was some room for improvement. So instead of boring small talk, I started asking my dates questions out of genuine curiosity.

我想我不可能是纽约市最不适合约会的人，但我不得不承认还有改进的空间。所以我不再进行无聊的闲聊，而是出于真正的好奇心开始问我的约会对象问题。

No longer looking for the right answers to my question, I decided to find out who they were, what e*cited them in life, what they cared about. I was more vulnerable, more playful, and I didn't hold back my personality.

我不再寻找问题的正确答案，而是决定了解他们是谁，生活中什么让他们兴奋，他们关心什么。我变得更加脆弱，更加爱玩，并且不再压抑自己的个性。

And before long, more often than not, my dates began wanting to see me again. I was getting better at dating because I was becoming a flirt.

不久之后，我的约会对象开始越来越频繁地想再见到我。我的约会技巧越来越好，因为我正在成为一个调情者。

I know firsthand that flirting brings up a lot of fears around rejection, leading someone on, vulnerability, and more. There are many layers of flirting and there's different styles of flirting, and one of its common purposes is to actively convey romantic or sexual desire.

我亲身体验到，调情会引发许多恐惧，如被拒绝、误导他人、脆弱等等。调情有许多层面和不同风格，其常见目的之一是主动传达浪漫或性欲望。

But flirting is not inherently a come on, a declaration of desire or a promise of anything beyond the moment's interaction. Confidence with flirting comes from knowing yourself, your intentions, reading the room, discerning other people's reactions and adapting accordingly.

但调情本身并不是一种勾引、欲望的宣言或超出当下互动的任何承诺。调情的自信来自于了解自己、了解自己的意图、读懂场合、辨别他人的反应并做出相应调整。

Sometimes it's going to be awkward, sometimes it's going to be embarrassing, and that's OK. There's no avoiding all the uncertainty of human connection, but you can experience the power of flirting for yourself with minimal risk. Here's how.

有时会很尴尬，有时会很窘迫，但没关系。无法避免人际连接中的所有不确定性，但你可以以最小的风险亲自体验调情的力量。方法如下。

Let's start with two foundational elements of successful flirting, presence and enthusiasm. Presence is about being in the moment with another person, without being distracted by what's going on in your head or your surroundings.

让我们从成功调情的两个基本要素开始：专注和热情。专注是指与他人同在当下，不被你的想法或周围环境分心。

To practice being more present. Take deep breaths to ground yourself in real time, especially if you're feeling nervous. You can silently but powerfully communicate using your body language, your openness to connection or not. So keep your phones down and your eyes up.

练习更加专注。深呼吸让自己实时接地，特别是当你感到紧张时。你可以用你的肢体语言无声但有力地传达你是否愿意建立连接。所以放下手机，抬起眼睛。

Next is enthusiasm. By being enthusiastic, you have the ability to leave other people feeling good for having interacted with you. Your genuine smile can make someone's day. Even your unspoken appreciation for a shared moment of connection, no matter how brief, can often be felt.

接下来是热情。通过表现出热情，你有能力让别人在与你互动后感觉良好。你真诚的微笑可以让某人的一天变得美好。即使是你对共享连接时刻的无言欣赏，无论多么短暂，通常都能被感受到。

Lean into being the version of you who leaves other people with a smile on their face and notice how much more magnetic you become. So once your vibe is right, here are three simple flirting styles you can start experimenting with.

努力成为那个能让别人脸上带着微笑的你，并注意到你变得多么有吸引力。一旦你的氛围正确，这里有三种简单的调情风格你可以开始尝试。

First is my personal favorite, and that is attentiveness or curiosity. So this looks like inviting connection by asking questions that inspire interesting conversations. Like if money was no object and you could do any job in the world for one year, what would you do?

首先是我个人最喜欢的，那就是专注或好奇。这看起来像是通过提出能引发有趣对话的问题来邀请连接。比如，如果钱不是问题，你可以在世界上做任何工作一年，你会做什么？

And then looking them in the eye, leaning in and listening to their answer. It looks like paying attention to the stories that they share, and noticing that the waiter forgot their lemon wedge. It's perfect for any occasion, from a first date to being an enviably, thoughtful spouse.

然后看着他们的眼睛，身体前倾，听他们的回答。这看起来像是关注他们分享的故事，并注意到服务员忘记了他们的柠檬片。这适用于任何场合，从第一次约会到成为令人羡慕的体贴配偶。

Next is compliments. In movies, the meet cute is the moment when two love interests meet for the first time. Giving a compliment is one of the best ways to have your own meet cute moment.

接下来是赞美。在电影中，"浪漫邂逅"是两个爱情主角第一次见面的时刻。给予赞美是创造你自己浪漫邂逅时刻的最佳方式之一。

So if you dream of meeting your person in person, lean into giving sincere and observant compliments as you move through the world.

所以如果你梦想亲自遇见你的那个人，在你的生活中要倾向于给予真诚和细致的赞美。

Now I want to pause here for a moment to make a distinction between compliments that succeed in making another person feel good and ones that are more, shall we say, ambiguous.

现在我想暂停一下，区分那些成功让他人感觉良好的赞美和那些我们可以说比较模糊的赞美。

So here are a few things that aren't compliments, or at least aren't particularly good ones. Saying you're hot is frankly unimaginative and far too nonspecific to be a good compliment.

以下是一些不是赞美，或者至少不是特别好的赞美。说"你很性感"坦率地说是缺乏想象力的，而且太不具体，不能成为一个好的赞美。

Saying things like you're just my type kind of sounds like a compliment, but it's actually censoring your taste more than it is the other person.

说"你正是我喜欢的类型"听起来像是赞美，但实际上更多是在表达你的品味而不是关于对方。

And backhanded compliments like "How is someone who looks like you still single?" are not, in fact, compliments.

而像"像你这样的人怎么还单身？"这样的讽刺性赞美实际上并不是赞美。

Stop and ask yourself, will what I'm about to say or do succeed in making this person feel seen, special and acknowledged or judged, objectified and defensive. Please flirt responsibly. Seriously.

停下来问问自己，我要说的或要做的会成功让这个人感到被看见、特别和被认可，还是被评判、被物化和被防御？请负责任地调情。说真的。

Increase the effectiveness of your compliments by making them specific and sincere. "You have a great sense of style" or "Your eyes are so lovely."

通过使赞美具体化和真诚来提高其有效性。"你很有风格"或"你的眼睛真漂亮。"

Maybe it's the start of a longer conversation. Maybe you gave them a boost of confidence. Either way, it's a win.

也许这是更长对话的开始。也许你给了他们信心的提升。无论哪种方式，都是一种胜利。

Last but not least is the flirting style of playfulness. Playfulness can look like anything from sending over a drink with a wink or making a corny but respectful joke.

最后但同样重要的是俏皮的调情风格。俏皮可以是任何事情，从递过一杯酒并眨眨眼，到开一个老套但尊重的玩笑。

Like "I'm sorry I was listening, but I'm just mesmerized by your radiance." Or if all else fails, eyebrows.

比如"对不起我在听，但我只是被你的光芒迷住了。"或者如果所有其他方法都失败了，挑眉。

Read the room, as results will vary. Nuance and a dash of courage is required to flirt well, but practice prepares you to rise to the occasion.

观察场合，因为结果会有所不同。良好的调情需要细微差别和一点勇气，但练习会让你做好准备迎接这个场合。

Attentiveness. Compliments. Playfulness. There's nothing complicated about these actions, yet they have the potential to spark and sustain connection over time.

专注。赞美，俏皮。这些行为并不复杂，但它们有潜力随着时间的推移引发并维持连接。

That's a true superpower we can all tap into. Thank you.

这是我们都可以利用的真正超能力。谢谢。

That was Francesca Hogi at TED next2025.

以上是Francesca Hogi在TED Next2025的演讲。