What successful negotiators do differently - Kathryn Valentine

You're listening to ted talks daily where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, elise hue. Most negotiation advice wasn't designed for women, and it shows, according to leadership consultant Catherine valentine. In her funny and deeply practical talk, she exposes the gender gap in negotiation success and shares a powerful formula backed by research that flips the script and helps women get what we want without backlash. If you've ever second guessed asking for more, this talk is for you.

欢迎收听TED每日谈，我们每天为您带来激发好奇心的新想法。我是主持人Elise Hue。领导力顾问凯瑟琳·瓦伦丁指出，大多数谈判建议并非为女性设计，这一点显而易见。在她风趣又极具实用性的演讲中，她揭示了谈判成功中的性别差距，并分享了一个经过研究支持的强大公式，它能扭转局面，帮助女性获得所求而不招致反感。如果你曾对提出更多要求犹豫不决，那么这个演讲正是为你准备的。

I love negotiating. I love negotiating anyone else. Poor people.

我热爱谈判。我喜欢与任何人谈判。可怜的人们。

As women, we have a negotiation problem. When we negotiate, we are less likely than men are to be successful and we're at a higher risk of backlash. This causes us to Miss out on opportunities, earn less and frankly messes around with our mental well being fun, right?

作为女性，我们在谈判上面临着一个问题。当我们谈判时，我们比男性成功的可能性更低，并且遭受负面反应的风险更高。这导致我们错失机会，收入更少，坦白说，还严重干扰了我们的心理健康——很有趣，对吧？

We've all been there. There's something you want to ask for, so we stress about it for weeks, we prepare, we take all of the expert advice and yet it never feels like we're coming from a position of strength.

我们都有过这种经历。你有些东西想要提出要求，于是我们为此焦虑数周，我们准备，我们采纳所有专家建议，但却总觉得我们并非处于强势地位。

What if I told you? That's because we've been given the wrong advice our whole lives.

如果我告诉你呢？那是因为我们一生都被给予了错误的建议。

What if I told you there's another way, a better way, a more authentic way, designed especially for women? That will make you much more likely to get what you're asking for.

如果我告诉你还有另一种方法，一种更好的、更真实的方式，专门为女性设计呢？那将使你更有可能得到你所要求的。

I want to share a story. 10 years ago I was an MBA intern with an opportunity to fortune50 company, a company that I have had my eye on for years. I was doing really well in the internship. I actually finished my summer project in under a month, and I decided that my best bet would be to negotiate to be placed on另一个团队 halfway through the summer, because that's how I thought. Twice as many people would vouch for me and I would get that job.

我想分享一个故事。十年前，我是一个MBA实习生，有一个进入财富50强公司的机会，那是我关注多年的公司。我在实习期间表现得非常好。实际上，我在不到一个月内完成了暑期项目，我认为最好的策略是在夏天过半时谈判调到另一个团队，因为我觉得这样会有双倍的人为我担保，我就能得到那份工作。

So I made an appointment with the intern coordinator for monday morning and spent all weekend preparing for one of the biggest conversations of my life. Monday morning arrives and I walk into the coordinator's office at10 am sharp, ready to negotiate, just like the experts told me to. I was creased, pleaded and pressed to perfection. By1005 Ihad managed to accidentally offend the coordinator. By1010 I was being told I was no longer a culture fit. Which meant I wasn't getting that job as an added bonus per company protocol, I was then escorted out of the building by security and deposited on the sidewalk.

于是我和实习协调员约了周一早上见面，并花了整个周末准备我人生中最重要的谈话之一。周一早上到了，我上午10点整走进协调员办公室，准备谈判，就像专家们告诉我的那样。我穿着笔挺，恳切陈词，力求完美。10点05分，我不小心冒犯了协调员。10点10分，被告知我不再符合公司文化。这意味着我得不到那份工作，而且根据公司规定，作为额外"奖励"，保安随后将我护送出大楼，放在了人行道上。

My head was spinning. What just happened? It turns out I had accidentally violated the gender norms of negotiation and derailed my career in less time than it takes to get a latte.

我头晕目眩。刚刚发生了什么？原来，我无意中违反了谈判的性别规范，在比买一杯拿铁还短的时间内毁掉了我的职业生涯。

That set me on a path to research the role of gender in negotiations, because I don't want any other woman to be blindsided by the secret impact gender has. Why? Because we continue to use strategies built for men. In fact, that's what most expert advice is. That's what I did. And it earned me a VIP seat on the sidewalk.

这使我踏上了研究性别在谈判中作用的道路，因为我不希望其他任何女性被性别带来的隐秘影响搞得措手不及。为什么？因为我们继续使用为男性构建的策略。事实上，大多数专家建议就是如此。我当初就是这么做的。而这为我赢得了人行道上的VIP专座。

Instead, you want to use what's called a relational ask. A relational ask is easily the most well hidden secret in negotiation. Until now. Research by Hannah Riley bowles out of Harvard and Linda babcock out of Carnegie Mellon shows that when women use a relational ask, we are much more likely to be successful and we actually strengthen the relationship.

相反，你应该使用一种叫做"关系型请求"的方法。关系型请求简直是谈判中最隐藏的秘密。直到现在。哈佛大学的汉娜·赖利·鲍尔斯和卡内基梅隆大学的琳达·巴布科克的研究表明，当女性使用关系型请求时，我们成功的可能性要大得多，并且实际上加强了关系。

Research out of Georgetown shows that this virtually eliminates the risk of backlash. That means that you can feel free to ask for whatever it is you want, and you don't have to worry about all of those things that maybe would have happened because of your gender.

乔治城大学的研究表明，这几乎消除了遭致负面反应的风险。这意味着你可以自由地提出任何你想要的要求，而不必担心所有那些可能因为你的性别而发生的情况。

Like the nerd I am, I have now reviewed thirteen zero pages of academic research on this topic, and I used it to create a formula you can use to ask for what you want. The formula is past performance, plus future vision, plus the ask and then a collaborative question. This formula has been field tested by hundreds of women over the past five years to get promoted, make more money and craft careers they love.

像我这样的书呆子，现已查阅了1300页关于这个主题的学术研究，并以此创建了一个你可以用来提出要求的公式。这个公式是：过往业绩 + 未来愿景 + 具体请求，然后是一个协作性问题。这个公式在过去五年中经过数百名女性的实地测试，用于获得晋升、赚取更多收入并打造她们热爱的职业生涯。

Let me show you how it works. Past performance is what you've already done that matters. Future vision is something that everyone in the room wants. The ask is what you want. We're going to connect that to the vision. And then a collaborative question is really just how we get out of our own ways. Because after coaching women on this for years, what I found is that women are so wonderful that in order to avoid the possibility of someone else feeling uncomfortable. We'll negotiate against ourselves. But it's okay if it's not in your budget this year. Don't say that.

让我展示一下它如何运作。过往业绩是你已经做过的、重要的事情。未来愿景是房间里每个人都想要的东西。具体请求是你想要的。我们要将其与愿景联系起来。然后协作性问题实际上就是我们如何避免自我设限的方式。因为在指导女性多年后，我发现女性是如此善良，以至于为了避免可能让别人感到不适，我们会与自己谈判。但如果说"如果今年预算不够也没关系"这样的话。不要说那个。

Instead, you want to use what we call a collaborative question. This formula means that it will take you two minutes. To create your ask using everything we know about how to negotiate successfully as a woman. Maybe give you, give you a few examples of how this works, right? So instead of saying I deserve to be promoted, you would use this formula to say something like, as you know, I exceeded my sales targets by10% last year. I think I can do it again this year. But in order to do that, I need the credibility that comes with a director title. What do you think?

相反，你要用我们所说的协作性问题。这个公式意味着你只需两分钟。就能运用我们所知的关于女性如何成功谈判的一切来构建你的请求。也许给你，给你几个例子看看这如何运作，好吗？所以，与其说"我应该得到晋升"，你可以用这个公式这样说：如您所知，去年我超额完成了10%的销售目标。我认为今年我可以再次做到。但为了做到这一点，我需要总监头衔带来的公信力。您觉得呢？

The woman who used those words was successfully promoted. Here's another one, instead of I want to work less, you could use the formula to say something like. As you know, I piloted a new onboarding process this quarter, and it's getting great results. We can roll it out across the company next year, but in order to do that I need to work the hours when I'm most productive, which is typically earlier in the day. How can we make this work?

使用这些话的女性成功获得了晋升。还有一个例子，与其说"我想减少工作量"，你可以用这个公式这样说：如您所知，本季度我试点了一个新的入职流程，效果很好。我们明年可以在全公司推广，但为了做到这一点，我需要在我最高效的时间段工作，通常是白天早些时候。我们怎样才能实现这一点呢？

That woman no longer works late into the evenings. Now, you might be thinking this isn't fair, I shouldn't have to deal with gender bias at all. You're right. And we can wait for gender parity. Estimates are it will only take191 years. In the meantime, there are79 million women who need tools to be successful now.

那位女性不再工作到深夜。现在，你可能在想这不公评，我根本不应该应对性别偏见。你说得对。我们可以等待性别评等。估计只需要191年。与此同时，有7900万女性现在就需要成功的工具。

Another one I've been hearing recently is, well, won't AI fix this for me? I wish that were true, and for a while I thought it was. Unfortunately, it turns out AI's strength is in its ability to gobble up huge amounts of information, most of which on this particular topic is what researchers call. Crap.

我最近听到的另一个说法是，嗯，人工智能不能帮我解决这个问题吗？我希望那是真的，并且一度认为是这样。不幸的是，事实证明人工智能的优势在于它能吞下海量信息，而在这个特定主题上，大部分信息都是研究人员称之为的垃圾。

Did you know that we make35,000 decisions every day? As women, so many of those decisions are made to optimize for other people. What does my boss need? My team. My kids. But we only get this one life. And you get to decide what yours looks like. Not your boss. Not your parents. Not your partner. Not your kids. You.

你知道吗，我们每天要做35000个决定？作为女性，其中太多决定是为了优化他人的情况而做出的。我的老板需要什么？我的团队。我的孩子。但我们只有这一次生命。你可以决定你的人生是什么样子。不是你的老板。不是你的父母。不是你的伴侣。不是你的孩子。是你。

So let's ditch the bad advice and instead use this formula to ask for what you want in your life. Share this with the other women that you care about, your family, your friends, your classmates, your colleagues, so that we can all have the tools we need to negotiate a life we love. Thank you.

所以，让我们抛弃那些糟糕的建议，转而用这个公式去争取你在生活中想要的东西。把这个分享给你关心的其他女性，你的家人、朋友、同学、同事，这样我们都能拥有谈判出我们所热爱生活所需的工具。谢谢。

That was Catherine valentine at ted X sugar creek women in charlotte, north Carolina in the us in2025.

这是凯瑟琳·瓦伦丁于2025年在美国北卡罗来纳州夏洛特市TEDxSugarCreekWomen上的演讲。